FSBO Believes Retaining Wall Will Keep Out Soliciting Real Estate Agents

AKRON, Oh. – Three days after canceling Christmas, For Sale by Owner Fred Burge is now threatening to cancel all upcoming celebrations if his obstructionist wife refuses to fund his retaining wall.

“I will cancel New Years and birthdays if you do not give me money for the wall,” Burge told his wife on Thursday. “I can’t believe we are even arguing about this; three years ago you wanted a retaining wall, now all-of-a-sudden you don’t.”

Burge first demanded the funding for his retaining wall after the FSBO put his home on the market in early December and immediately got bombarded with phone calls and mailers from pesky real estate agents. Burge’s wife believes the retaining wall will be ineffective in reducing the solicitations while causing irreversible damage to the neighborhood eco-system—leaving a technological approach as the best solution.

“We are entering 2019,” Mrs. Burge countered to her husband. “We don’t need a 14th-century solution called a retaining wall. What we need is a comprehensive solicitor policy centered around technology.”

This isn’t the first time Burge has threated to cancel a federal holiday or birthday. In June, the avid outdoorsmen threatened to cancel the Fourth of July if he didn’t get a new $80,000 fishing boat. While in 2016, he threatened to cancel Thanksgiving and his daughter’s birthday, if his wife didn’t authorize funding for a Benelli Super Black Eagle 3 Semiautomatic Shotgun.

“Cabela’s was having a Black Friday sale; the time to fund that shotgun was now,” Burge explained. “And the time to fund the retaining wall is now. We can’t continue to allow unsolicited solicitations to enter our home.”

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